Drive You Crazy

What’s with the “Be Patient: New Driver” bumper stickers you see everywhere? Rookie driver, student driver, what have you, seems like everybody and their brother is a newbie. The Division of Motor Vehicles in every state must have been swamped over the past few months issuing permits.

When you see a sign like that on a car you expect to see a pimply faced adolescent in braces in the driver’s seat, with a death grip on the steering wheel and a look of sheer terror on his face. He’s afraid to merge into traffic, nervous about changing lanes, even uneasy making a right turn. Who isn’t, the first time on the road?

But whom do you really see? Grandpa hunched over the wheel, pushing the pedal to the metal, tailgating the lollygagger ahead of him, totally ready to slam his 3000 pounds of gas-guzzling steel into that guy’s plastic bumper if he even thinks about tapping the brake. Glamor Babe applying mascara. Hippie mama hanging out on the left lane while going 10 miles under the speed limit, wailing “Take a Little Piece of My Heart.” Text-y man, keeping in close (technological) touch with his pals, even as he’s about to get a little too physically close to his highway buddies. Tap tap. 

The Darlings learned to drive in the DC area. Running Barb Mom always told them that if they could drive here, they could drive anywhere. And what experience you get around here!

There’s Motorcycle Wheelie Man, barreling down 95 on the back tire only. Wallie Weaver, threading his way among cars across four lanes of speeding vehicles. And Friendly Frank, leaning on his horn and giving a one fingered wave to friends and foes alike. Actually, to Frank we’re all foes. Dealing with all of this tests your ability to remain calm and focused. A real life growth opportunity. 

So what’s with the faux warnings? I say the joke is on us. They are hoping that we are kind enough to actually stand by quietly while they cut us off, turn without signaling, and merge into the two feet of unoccupied space in front of my car.

I say let’s turn it on its head. Let’s just be nice to everyone on the road. Pull in front of me and slam on your brakes? I’m cool. Hang out in the middle lane and swerve in front of me in the right lane to exit at the last millisecond? It’s okay. Tailgate me? No worries. I don’t own the road, and you don’t own the road. In fact the federal government owns the road, and they should be charging us an arm and a leg to drive on it and building up a better public transportation system for all of us! But that’s a story for another blog. 

In the meantime you’ll see me cruising up and down the road in complete chill. I’m in no rush. And maybe I can take a second to read some of the other bumper stickers around. Some of them really can make you think. Like, who the heck is Bertha?